Category: journal

Untitled #2

Of late I count my days by whether it’s headache-free or headache-filled days, and lemme tell you it’s no fun at all to have the latter be the majority of them. Don’t understand why this is happening; some says it’s stress, but I really don’t feel stressed at all- truth! Yet this past week the first thing I do as soon as I woke up is to pray hard that I won’t have headache later during the day. It probably sounds like I’m whining about something petty, but if you’ve ever had tension headaches or migraine before, you’d know this kind of pain can be quite debilitating- in short it’s nothing you’d wish for on anyone (unless you really hate them lol).

Apart from the headaches though, days have been filled with interesting (sometimes bizarre) conversations. Some people have delusions that are not that out of line from what we know as social norms, and I guess it’s understandable- in most cases it’s their coping mechanism, their way of handling what they considered as brutal reality, and they needed a way to deal with it. You hear views about life, about religions, about universality of all religions, about love, about ‘the other world’ etc.  Some of the things they said were quite mind-boggling, whilst some made me think (when I don’t have headaches that impair my cognitive function, that is). Psychiatry is so much more about life and the real world out there for different kinds of people, most of them not the average people we surround ourselves with; it’s becoming more interesting and less intimidating as the day goes by- it really just depends on how you choose to see things. Our professor told us, before we went out to the wards, “whatever it is, just take it easy,” and I think that’s the most apt advice to give. 
Today there’s this guy who wasn’t his usual self as the past few days. He made an analogy about him being a meek lion. “but just because I’m meek doesn’t mean I’m weak,” and he claims to be an empathic and simple person, but when pushed to a corner, “I’ll ROARRRR!” And he also made a comment that’s worth reflecting upon- “who do you think you are to want to help me? how can you help me? tell me, how are you helping me right now???” Indeed. Sometimes we doctors think we know better, and we prescribe meds intending to “help” them, but is that necessarily the best thing for the patient? Do we really know better than them about themselves and what they need? Do we? I have no answer to that, but I think that’s a fair point that he made, and it’s worth spending some time thinking bout it. Just a food for thought I guess. 

Girl Is Back!

Ahhh freedom! I can almost taste it. Feels good to be back here. 🙂  It’s been a long hard month since I last blogged. To those who wondered, yes exam is finally over. Don’t ask me how I did though. Lots of post-exam emotions and thoughts that are best left alone and untouched for fear of it inundating me once again (it already did- right after the exam, but I managed to calm self down after long chats with friends and family). In truth, there’s nothing I can do about it now except to enjoy my time with family and friends before school resumes on Monday. I know I’ve already given my best on that day; that should be enough for now.

Moving on… next week we’ll be having a 3-week long of Transition to Wards sessions, learning the basics like BLS, surgical skills, medico-legal stuff, phlebotomy, nursing skills, EKG interpretation, ethics, professional dilemmas, acute care, etc.  So much to learn! It’s going to be exciting (and scary!), for we’re one step closer to our clinical rotations. Speaking of which- starting Monday we’ll be in our Year 3! Wow. I just barely recovered from Y2’s exam stress and anxiety, and now we’re getting ready to charge into the ‘real stuff’! Talk about time waiting for no one! (Hahaha right after writing that I just realized it’s direct translation from 岁月不留人! lol).

Anyway. That’s it for this update. I have one more day before school starts. Gonna do as much as possible before then. In this instance it means sacrificing beauty sleep for Man of Steel so the movie better be great. Righto peeps. Off I go for supper and movie. Later.

xoxo.

People I missed the most during our study break.
Glad I’ll be seeing them soon. :)))

Act of Eating

Conversation with a friend the other day:

Friend: …I don’t understand what it means to have postprandial fullness.
Me: What do you mean?
Friend: I mean, how does it feel and how is that different from normal fullness?
Me: Well have you ever eaten so much you just feel like your stomach is so uncomfortable? 
Friend: (looks at me quizzically) Uh no. Why would anyone do that??!
Me: ……. (speechless, look down guiltily)
Friend: No seriously… Why would anyone eat anymore when they already feel full?! 

Now every time I go into the kitchen to look for snacks, I think about her question. Sometimes it helps to keep me from bingeing. Other times, it still doesn’t work. lol. I guess old habits die hard. Like right now… these pineapple tarts… they’re just too good to resist…!! 😛

Reason I’ve Not Been Blogging…

…is because I feel like her on most days-

Source of photo: here.
That’s right. That’s how tired I am after class every day. 
Now who can blame me for not updating this blog, right? ;P

Ok bye now, have to go back to studying! Who can tell me what’s Wolff-Chaikoff effect?

Bite-sized Musings

1. Before Facebook’s existence, I had more time to contemplate, to ruminate on stuff, to blog about thoughts and random ideas; ever since FB became (almost) everybody’s addiction, I too became one of those social media end users who consume all these social bytes- reading other people’s “shares”, “likes”, looking at their photos – lately the theme among my friends are wedding and baby photos, and knowing where they go what they eat what time they sleep whatever else they’ve been doing. Now I’ve never been one of those people who are against social media, but I do blame it for my lack of writing/thinking. When you have all these colorful bytes, these ‘noise’, that keeps throwing itself at you, and in between you still have to find time to eat, sleep, study and hang out with real people, you’re left with very little time for self, for reflection. At least that’s how it is for me. (Addendum: And with everyone having an opinion on everything, that makes me more reluctant to share mine. Plus, you never know when it will be used against you in the future!)

2. I don’t know which bothered me more- the fact that I have an ego that’s of a comparable size, or the fact that my ego took a beating. And then there are times when I don’t really know who I am, or who I want to be. Yet, when told by others I’m such and such of a person as if they know me better than myself, I can get quite agitated. Why I act or say certain things sometimes escape my logic, I have no idea why I do what I did. That amuses me at times; more often than not I just regret having done so. But what baffles me most is why I over-think things that most people wouldn’t even give a second thought to. Really. Sometimes I just wanna kick myself and ask- what the hell is wrong with you?!

3. I’ve been getting questions regarding my marital status pretty often these days that I half wished I had made a cardboard with my answers on it so that I can bring it around and pass it to those who ask, so then I don’t have to repeat myself so much. I wished this question could grow old and people would stop asking. Unfortunately, the more likely options would be: 1) instead of the question growing old, I would be the one growing old and people would just lose interest in asking a spinster that question; or 2) I eventually change my status and that’s the end of story. Option #2 is very unlikely for now, so that leaves me with Option #1. lol. My take on this? Relax lah. When the time is right, it will happen. For now- enjoy first. 🙂

Second Year

Last day of my summer break. Tomorrow marks the start of my second year as a medical student. There’s a concoction of emotions in me- excitement about new stuff I’m going to learn (particularly neurosciences, my favorite); anxiety about all the previous materials that I need to review; enthusiasm/gung-ho-ness that comes with the beginning of any start of the year, be it academic or Gregorian calendar year; the jitters about the big fat exam in less than a year that will determine our future destiny; and of course, the delight of seeing my classmates whom I haven’t seen in 7 weeks.

It’s hard to believe I’ve gone through a quarter of the journey as a medical student, when it really just felt like yesterday when we learned anatomy. Pretty soon the quarter will become half, but we would still only have touched a tenth of the tip of an iceberg of the medical knowledge (or at least that’s what I’d feel). So much to learn, never enough time. And yet, as we go forward, we’d be expected to know more and more, and it would turn into a race where we try to meet or even exceed expectations. It’s a little unnerving to feel as if I’m not stepping up to the game, and I shudder to think what will happen if I don’t meet those expectations; but realistically I know there’s nothing much I can do except to do the best I can. The rest, I shall leave to fate.

Year 1 has been great, year 2 will be even better. Random photos to follow-

my awesome friends doing awesome stunts.

🙂

One-Hundred Tonne

tonight my heart feels like a hundred tonne. tonight it feels like the entire universe is weighing down on it. sifting through the old photos brought me back in time, like Alice (in Wonderland) spiraling down memory lane (or rather, tunnel) that seemed to have no end to it. i saw flashbacks of a number of people who were once so close to me, people i cared a lot for, but whom i don’t talk to anymore. sometimes i wonder, why do all this happen, why do friends stop talking to each other over time?! the best answer i could come up with is that life happens. people change, some moved away, some stayed back. everyone moves on. and then of course there are those whom you just can’t keep in touch with, no matter how much you wanted to. it was great while it lasted, but fleeting moments, however precious, once over, would just dissipate into thin air. and like two straight lines that crossed paths at one point, would only head towards two opposite directions. further and further away they move, as time passes by, until at some point you realize, there is nothing left save for a few photos, and memories. tons of them. and that’s all there is to it. all these memories, all these people, are what filled my heart with this inexplicable heaviness. inexplicable, because they’re weightless, yet so heavy. inexplicable because, i don’t know what this is. i miss, yet i don’t miss; i wanna go back, but i like it here too. deep down inside i know i can’t change anything. and so, if i could creep back in time as an invisible shadow, i’d like to give them a hug. a real tight hug, as my way of thanking them for having been part of my life. if i could, i would. but i can’t, so i shall wish them well from afar.  tonight though, this heaviness stays.

Summer Break Begins

Finally! Done with exams, no more worries about getting distracted, no more nightmares of dying patient asking for help! 😛

Oh what I’d do to get to a beach right now and spend some quality time with myself! But… no. Instead, I’m here, writing about going to the beach, picturing myself taking in deep breaths of fresh air, listening to the sound of waves, feeling the sand in between my toes – even that (which would usually make me squirm) makes being at the beach seem like a far better place to be than where I’m at right now. Oh well. Family trip was canceled, so here I am, trying to get some stuff done before I start on my summer research project.

It’s been exactly a week since our exam, which means I have 6 weeks of summer break left. Felt like I haven’t done anything, except hanging out with friends and brother. I tell myself it’s okay I deserve a break, but I better start working on the list of to-do’s before the summer ends. This is good though. Now that I have an overdose of brother-sister bonding, I can go back to working on my stuff whilst he returns to the lion city down south to start his college life. 🙂

Distracted

summer break is so close i can almost taste it. i’ve drawn up big plans of what to do, which books to read, who to meet, where to go, etc. and i just can’t waitttt!!!!! omg i’m so excited excited excited!  but why do exams always have to be on the last day of school? this thing that is between me and my freedom is killing me! i’ll be looking at my textbook and lecture slides but the mind is at the beach, curling up in bed enjoying a book, having good coffee good conversations with friends, sipping pina colada and enjoying the seabreeze… the list goes on.

… and then somehow i’m at a clinic with Mal and she points to the highly distended jugular veins of this lady lying on the exam bench, and she struggles to breathe, she’s turning blue, she reaches out to us and i see fear in her eyes. we’re supposed to do something but we don’t know what. shit shit shit that lady’s gonna die if we don’t do something about it what can we do, what should we give her, what drugs what drugs, beta blocker? ACE-I? wait or is it diuretics first? omg omg omg. the sudden panic attack brought me back to real life, and oh thank goodness that was only a dream. phewwwwww! ok i guess that’s a wake-up call to go study. no more falling asleep or dreaming about summer break! focus woman!

The Beating Heart

Metric – Help, I’m Alive
I tremble
They’re gonna eat me alive
If I stumble
They’re gonna eat me alive

Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer
Help, I’m alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft, tough to be tender
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I’m alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer

If you’re still alive
My regrets are few.
If my life is mine,
what shouldn’t I do?
I get wherever I’m going,
I get whatever I need
while my bloods still flowing
and my heart still beats.

Help, I’m alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft, tough to be tender
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I’m alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer

Help, Im alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer.
Learning all about the heart in the past two weeks; I’ve never really stopped to think how amazing this fist-size organ is, until now. I’m sure all med students would’ve felt the same way (at some point in their med school life) as I do right now, about the beating heart. How beautiful it is, beating on its own, its sounds so reassuring, so soothing. “Do you see how beautiful it is? Do you see? It’s poetry!” Dr. Tom Traill proclaimed. I couldn’t have agreed more. There is so much more to write about, but time does not allow me to do so. Have to get back to learning all about tachycardia. For now I shall share one of my longtime favs that’s been playing in my head for the past few days. Such an apt soundtrack while studying the heart. 🙂

Idealism-1 Pragmatism-0

today things got a little out of control and i can’t help but wonder, how did things get to this point? i don’t wanna point fingers, and i certainly don’t want to start the whole blame game, but knowing what happened and be completely honest about things is absolutely necessary to prevent similar mistakes as such.  sigh. perhaps i’m at fault too. perhaps i should’ve stuck my head out there even if it might be butchered. perhaps I should’ve made my point heard even if it meant creating some friction with others. perhaps i should’ve argued until i have it my way, because i truly believe this whole thing was a little impractical to begin with. not impossible, nor unpleasant, just impractical- especially when all things are – as they should be – considered. but i guess, not all things were considered; and we got lucky. yet, just because money didn’t come out from our own pockets doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be conscientious and prudent when spending it. i mean, there is logic, and then there is logic. but most of all, there is the sense of morality. it was supposed to be a small thing with one objective- to show our appreciation. somewhere along the way, because of ideals, expectations, inflexibility, and a slew of other problems, we lost our way. oh well. no use crying over spilt milk. i shall go cheer myself up with some ice-cream. (an abrupt end, yes, but if i go on i’d be able to write a book about it. so here it all ends. say no more.)

The World Lost A Good One

am trying to study here, but my mind keeps going back to the news i heard yesterday. on may 22, someone from my high school (a close friend of my close friend) passed away. i don’t know much, all i know is that he had some cancer some years ago and towards the end (i.e. the last i heard, few months ago) he wasn’t getting treatment anymore, probably because it’s end-stage.

i wanna write more, but i don’t know him enough to do so. yet even so, it breaks my heart to know someone with such a good heart has to leave the world at such a young age. it’s too soon. too soon.

alas, life is brutal. and it’s unfair. i hope his family and loved ones are coping well.
rest in peace, friend. wherever you’re at, i wish you love, and peace.