It’s been more than a year since I last posted anything, not because I didn’t want to, but I find myself losing the reason to do so. Some time ago, though, I got a random message from a stranger encouraging me to continue writing because he thought my thoughts were thoughtful and mature, and I thought that was very sweet of him to say so. Truth is, I’ve been meaning to write, and have actually gone as far as creating drafts, but never got around to finishing them up for a myriad of reasons, none of which is important- because now it’d just sound like excuses not to have done something, and excuses are for wimps. Yoda says, you do or do not, there is no try.

So many things happened in the past year. Lots of thoughts and reflections especially when I’m in the wards and in ICU, and in the shower. Some crude thoughts remained saved in the drafts, so maybe they’ll become future posts.

It’s getting colder, we had one snow day last week. Seems like this year’s winter will be a bitter cold one. Keep warm, and I shall stick around and write more frequently. Adios!

Imagine Super Mario running the last ten yards, hit a mushroom, grew bigger, took all the coins and ran as fast as it could, and then he jumped! — and successfully caught on to the pole, that brought him to the next level. Yassssss. Moving on to the next level.

That said, as exciting as it is, it’s also scary. Because now Mario is back to the minion-size moustache’d boy-man, down in the dungeon, can hardly see, and has to grope in the dark until he figures out his way.

For those who are wondering what the heck I’m talking about, I’m starting my internal medicine residency training. Some people say, “oh don’t worry you’ll do great”, others have this to say: “there’s nothing you can do to prepare yourself for this; just plunge right into it, you’ll learn as you go.”  /gulps. Okayyyy. 

I’m optimistic though. It’s going to be a lot of hard work, but it’s also going to be fun! For now though, time to go study my territory and find more mushrooms, hidden stars and coins and superpowers. 😛

“For every decision you make, every path  you choose, you create a parallel life in which you relinquish  your rights to. You cannot think of the what-if’s and could-be’s, for that life is no longer yours.  All you can do is this: wherever you choose to go, go with all your heart.” ~ friend

Thank you, friend. I needed that little reminder.  No matter how tough things are, how it might seem impossible to get through those things, how exhausted you feel, you just have to believe that it will all work out.  A little faith, a little self-hug, and a cup of hot chocolate, and tomorrow will be another beautiful day.

When I was 7, I was told that it’s a good thing to have chickenpox at that time because once I got it I’ll never get it again, for the rest of my life. I did a mental calculation, comparing the body surface area that I’d have to suffer the itch, pain and scars between the smaller-size me and the adult-me, and I thought this was the better deal. That was pretty much the one thing that got me through the horrendous days of chickenpox. 

Been gone for a while, that’s because I went searching for the cheerful, bubbly self who seemed to have lost her way. That go-getter, optimistic, fighter self went missing, and was replaced by a melancholic self. Seems rather childish to be quoting a children’s film, but it felt almost as if the Sadness in Inside Out had been occupying the whole of me, and all I saw was blue and grey. Occasionally there were glimpses of rays but they didn’t last, and then it was back to blue, grey and black.

Today, though, something happened. Don’t know how, don’t know why, but it felt as if the lid that kept me locked inside the sadness has suddenly been lifted, and as I climbed out of the hole I dug for myself I felt lighter, shedding layers of worries and melancholy with every step I take. I was in the subway on my way to work, and every motion of everyone around me seemed to turned into a slow-mo movie. Every sensation heightened, every sound echoed and dropped its frequency, everything seemed funny and amusing. It felt as if I were tripping, except I wasn’t. Granted, it only lasted for a minute or two and it all went back to normal when I had to get out of the station, but it was awesome while it lasted. A kind of high that’s hard to describe, and definitely not on any influence of drugs.

I realized, in that split second when I returned to my senses, that this, is all there is. This is all we’ve got. The present moment. It’s more than words can explain. It’s something we think we know as we read the words, but only superficially. We think we know, but most of the time we really don’t. No really. We don’t. We’d write about it, we think we know to live every moment, but we so often lose sight, and be blinded by things, events, people. More often that not, we don’t really feel it, we’re not aware of it. We go by our daily lives doing things because we’re accustomed to doing them. It’s habit, it’s routine, it’s something we “have to do”. It’s autopilot. We tell ourselves stories, the stories stick to us, and we live out the stories. At some point we aren’t even sure if we write the stories or the stories own us. If the stories we told ourselves were lies, then lies were all we lived. And before we know it, we’d be at the very end of it, and only when we have to face death, do we reflect upon the gazillions of moments that we lived through, that made up the days, the months, the years. It is then that we’d realize that we let too many of those moments slipped by us without really making the best out of it.

I don’t know what’s gotten to me this morning in that subway, at that moment, when all this burst of thought came to mind. Maybe I’m going crazy; maybe it’s a mini-epiphany that is a wake-up call to stop brooding. Maybe it’s the Divine Being brushing past me, if you happen to believe in those. And if you’re in Richard Dawkins’ team, then maybe it’s just synapses (over)firing and this happened to be one of the many billion thoughts that randomly occurred, thus making it just that- one of the billions of possibilities and nothing more.

All I know is this- I have nothing, except the present moment. No more, no less. I am exactly what I think of myself- whether I think of myself as a useful person or a worthless nut, I am right. And the last and most important thing of all, is this- I need to stop thinking so much. Stop thinking, stop worrying, stop being angry at myself, stop inflicting pain on myself.  Just. stop.

It’s time I let go. And let go, I will.

It’s what they call the warm days in between the colder fall days. We had a little less than a week of indian summer last week, but now it’s over. It was just a wet, wet day today. Even as I type, I can hear the ruffling of tree leaves outside my window, and the splashes on the street every time a car passes by. I wonder how people back home are coping with the awful haze.

It’s been close to two weeks since I got here. Things have been great, I’m so grateful for the people who have helped me get here, provided me a place to stay, people who have become family to me, people who are just so generous and kind. There are times when I wonder what I’ve done to deserve such kindness. Must’ve done something right in my past life. Makes me want to do as much as I can to give back in return. And that I shall.

More on the rest of the Aussie trip soon, for now it’s the bed calling my name. Good night world!