Tag: jotsanddots

2023 Year End Reflections

Sometimes life has a way of surprising you, throwing you rotten lemons at the speed of light, that you don’t even realize you got hit. This one hit me hard. For a while, the pain was so intense I almost lost sight of the big picture. I thought about whether to write about it here, but decided now is not the time to share. Perhaps one day, when the pain and trauma has subsided enough for me to talk and joke about it, I will write more.

What is the big picture, though? We, mere humans, Homo sapiens, this insignificant species in the ever-expanding universe (or multiverse)–what are we doing? We wake up, go to work, consume, excrete, sleep, repeat. Some days I do wonder if any of what we do matters at all. But such thoughts are too depressing, so I try not to go there. Yet these days, I find myself thinking a lot about existential questions as such: Is this all there is? What is there to look forward to?

Perhaps because I’m reaching midlife, I find myself pondering all these midlife questions. Am I in what they call “a midlife crisis”? A crisis doesn’t have to be an imminent situation; it could mean “a turning point”. I think… this is where I’m at- at life’s intersection, trying to decide how to move forward, when ahead of me seems to be a thick fog that refuses to lift.

This year started off great. Was able to go home for a few weeks, spend some quality family time together, visited relatives, some of whom I haven’t seen in years. I celebrated CNY back home- the first since 2015. The following months went by so quickly: I got to see my bestie at a conference, visited a dear friend in NC, have a friend visit me in Maine. I then visited another BFF for a short weekend trip for her child’s birthday, had a reunion with a childhood BFF and her family, spent thanksgiving with my adopted family, sat for and passed the obesity medicine’s board exam. All in all a great year- I can’t complain. All good, except for the above said ‘incident’.

As I work to maneuver life and get past this fog, I hang on to the few things I know. I know I’m quite lucky; and I’m immensely thankful for all that I have- fairly good health, family and friends who will be there for me, the ability to think, work, and help people through my job. The acute awareness that none of this is guaranteed, and that any of it can dissipate at any moment, is not lost on me. And so on this Christmas, I pray for peace, love, and that the ongoing wars will end. I pray for more kindness, decency, honesty, generosity, and tolerance amongst each other.

Here’s hoping that 2024 will be a good year for all. Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

Internal Monologue

This space that has once given me solace, suddenly feels so foreign. It’s been too long since I wrote here. As the year comes to an end, I thought I’d drop by. (Even my choice of words reflect that- I’m ‘dropping by’ to this virtual space that once felt like home to me. Leave a place long enough, and it stops feeling like home… at least initially.) Anyway, I found a number of drafts that were never seen to completion. They were mostly stories about work, emotions that ICU patients and incidences stirred up. Stories of dissatisfaction and disappointment. Angst, anger too. Looking back, I think I didn’t post them for fear of repercussion. A part of me didn’t want to hold back anything if I were to write about them; yet another part of me, the part that ultimately won, was scared. Scared that if those people read it, they might know it’s about them, and would hate on me or react in ways I’m not ready for. Perhaps one day, I’d go back and clean up those drafts, and share them at some point. Today I just wanted to revisit and just… be here.

This year felt long and short at the same time. Anything pre-Covid felt so distant, like it’s been eons since that ‘normalcy’. We graduated from residency, and some of my closest friends left to start their new jobs and new lives elsewhere. Some people whom I thought were friends turned out to not be so. That was something I couldn’t get over. How many minutes and days have I spent (wasted) dwelling on the why…?! I wish I knew. Alas, I’d never find out. It took a long time to get out of the mind trap, and I think I’m finally over it (maybe?!). Sometimes you just have to let go. And so this year, amongst all the lessons I’ve learned, the biggest one is to let go. This theme keeps reoccurring, and I think to some extent, I’ll always find it hard to let go, and will never get used to, but it is something we all have to do. In life, if you care enough, you’d feel hurt. Not caring isn’t the answer; learning how to deal with it, is.

That’s all for now. I came here wanting to talk/write about something else. Ended up being sentimental/nonsensical. Blergh. Till the next time!