Category: life and love

When Someone Is About To Leave, Stop

Poem by Samuel Blake

When someone is about to leave, stop;
look at their face and say goodbye: smile;
and know, that in that smile and look
you receive in return, may be a last
look and smile: a veritable photograph
in the mind that will memorialize the
moment, and permit a lifetime’s reflection.
Perhaps you will be hurried to catch a plane,
in a terminal filled with strangers. Or more trivial: they may leave for groceries:
stop, look at his or her face and smile, before they walk out the door; as that,
if they fail to return, you will have something left.

When a child or parent or sister speaks,
uttering even an almost inaudible whisper
listen, hear their voice and their words. It may be a happenstance of nothing, no meaning at
the time; but perhaps, all the world you have known, may well enough be brought to a standing
stillness — no longer things full. But in an act of listening, a sublime value may attach,
and usher forth a later viewing; a knowledge of time and sense beyond calculation.

Life is a motion of flowing photos, frame
after frame after frame. Inside the streaming, images become distorted,
disintegrate, into a clashing of what was and might have been.
Nature is man to the child; child to the man
is not the reverse; rather, an assimilation
into structure and measured frailty.

One can stare at a garden gate for hours,
hoping that someone will open it and walk
into your world again. Timeless and tearing,
the gate in truth is passage for you to that someone whom you didn’t stop and look
closely at and smile, or, someone’s voice
and casual utterance that you ignored. Rise up, unlatch the gate, give greeting on the other side,
and forgive yourself; as you will be with them; after passing onward and into a memorial world.

Kopi-C Peng With Love

I lied. I said I’ll write more, but so many things happened since my last post, and I couldn’t muster enough energy to put my thoughts and emotions into words. Or maybe I just didn’t want to. Words elude me when sadness overwhelms, and all I want to do is just to run and hide.

I dreamed of a 20-foot  Sandman who was chasing me everywhere. No matter how far I run, he’d still get to me. Friends and family tried to protect me by allowing me to build secret passageways underneath their living quarters, and eventually I managed to create a maze of an underground passage that led me to somewhere ‘safe’ where I didn’t think he’d thought to look for me. That morning when he came for me, I ran and ran until I got there, and there it was– a small poorly vented underground room that was once a prisoner’s cell long ago and had now been abandoned. The self in my dream was quite smug for finally outrunning Sandman, but that smugness lasted about 2 seconds- I remembered, then and there, that while I was tucked away safely in this cell, Sandman would still be looking, and I knew how relentless he could be. What would happen (or rather, had happened) to those people who partook in hiding me?! Sandman didn’t look like a compassionate thing that would allow any accomplice to get away. I knew then, that I was responsible for that, and there was nothing I could do about it. It’s too late; I had blood on my hands. There was no such thing as safety; sooner or later Sandman would get me. I couldn’t stop crying, and all I want to do was to undo everything. But there was no chance for that- I woke up, covered in tears and snot.

Such a morbid dream; so much to unpack from that stream of subconsciousness. Grandma passed away four months and a week ago, and I’m still coming to terms with it. Early on, my mind kept replaying all the memories I had with her, and I couldn’t help but think that I’d never have the chance to create more memories with her anymore. I selfishly wanted more time with her. I was going to go home for Chinese New Year next year! Why now? Why so soon?! Then it hit me- how hypocritical I was, for saying I wanted more time with her. How was I going to do that when I’m all the way here in another country thousands of miles away?! Going home once every few years does not cut it. Just like that, my anger on whoever it was from the Otherworld who took her away from me, and my regret, turned into guilt. And guilt–is the worst feeling of all. The early days just after her passing were filled with spurts of lacrimation fest, of which faucet I had almost no control over (at least I could stop self from doing that when around people).

It got better over time. Work kept me busy, so I didn’t have to think about it too much, or at all. The daily hum-drum became a soothing balm, and if work wasn’t enough to tire me out, there’s always the endless TV shows that I could turn to to numb me up.  I was doing quite a good job at that until about a month ago. It was just another day not unlike any other, except I incidentally found out about a dear friend’s tragic and unexpected demise. To say I was in shock was an understatement. How could a seemingly healthy person just suddenly be dead? I just saw him a little over a year ago and had a great catch-up session after 8 years of not seeing each other. I have questions, but none of which would ever be answered. They probably didn’t matter anyway.

Death has a way of reaching inside and squeezing the life out of you, figuratively (and perhaps also literally). I was deeply shaken, and for the first time in months, I saw how I was not-living. I thought I was doing fine after Grandma passed away, but in truth I sealed off a part of me, and was going through the motions of living without really doing so. Grandma wouldn’t have wanted me to live like this, nor my friend. This was a wake-up call; I have to do better. So here I am, writing about this, cherishing all the memories I’ve had with them, and letting all the emotions wash over me. Tonight, I’ll sip on Kopi-C Peng – Grandma’s favorite beverage – and just, feel. Sandman will always be after me (us), whether I like it or not. If it’s futile to run away, why not just live every day like it’s the last?

Remembering

“Death is the destination we all share, no one has ever escaped it. 
And that is as it should be because death is very likely the single best invention of life.” 
― Steve Jobs

When there is life, there is death. Every new life that comes to this world is guaranteed nothing but death that will ensue, albeit it being just a far-off concept that no one ever thought of at the present moment. But of course. Why would anyone think about that when they’re too busy rejoicing in the beauty of this bundle of joy in their arms, their mini-selves. Unless you’re like me, who’s weird and morbid at times. It’s a good thing then, that I’m not in the position where I have to deal with the contradictory emotions.

In medicine, it’s hard not to think about death, when you’re dancing around it on most days, if not all the time. Fact is, mortality stares at you all the time. Healthcare folks somehow learned not to be bothered by it, and just kept an arms’ length from it, I suspect to protect themselves from being too emotional or overwhelmed, and also to be able to function and carry out their tasks. It’s a matter of habit, and one can usually go about his/her daily business, focusing on the science/medical aspects of the job, instead of the life and death that is the core of what we do every day. But– when it comes to someone we love or care about, it’d be tough, if not impossible, to ignore this aspect at all.

In all honesty, I only knew her personally for a short while, so I don’t think I have the right to be tremendously affected when I heard of the news. And yet, I felt disproportionally affected- more than I think I should, because in that short period of time I’ve grown to care for her. She was this amazing, extremely capable, independent woman, who had accomplished so much both in her professional and personal lives, always positive, generous, caring, selfless, and determined. So when she found out she had this terminal illness, her personality and character didn’t allow her any other way to deal with it other than facing it head on, with that fierce determination to beat it. Her grit, her strength, even at her weakest moment, amazed me, and touched me to my core, and I wished I could’ve done more for her. I almost believed that if anyone deserved a reprieve from a terminal illness, it would be her. It has to be her. I want it to be her. But alas, cancer is a b–ch, and there’s a reason why terminal illness is called a terminal illness. And so when I heard, though it wasn’t completely surprising, it was still a shock (that it happened sooner than I thought).

I want to be mad at God (if there is one), for taking a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend away from those of us whose lives she had touched. But my upbringing and beliefs also taught me that: 1) death is inevitable, and 2) life is unfair.  Couldn’t exactly get angry at impermanence of life now, could we. As for the second point, I don’t think anyone has come up with a solution for that yet.

Sigh.

I will always remember her as the beautiful person that she was, inside and out.

To those reading this, it seems cheesy or cliché to say it, but really– cherish every moment of your life, and those around you, for you never know…  Tomorrow is promised to no one, today is all we have.

January Weddings

January breeze and its fairly dry weather make it a good time of the year to have weddings. Of course, that’s not the only factor when it comes to choosing dates. Those who are married would know it involves the two families and a whole lot of planning (maybe even arguments/disagreements/panic attacks etc.), and not to forget a sage if you will, who somehow can tell you the auspicious dates you can choose from for the wedding day, just by having the couples’ time and date of birth. Fascinating ain’t it. I personally am amused by it. 
Anyway. Back to weddings. One of the two that I attended was of my best friend’s. This is irrelevant to the wedding but I just remembered- back when we were kids we used to keep a notebook with fictional stories about us and our friends, and we’d take turns writing it, just sorta improvised with the plot, and tried to write as close to reality as possible. Kinda like a parallel universe that only we knew existed. It was just so much fun. Childhood, when all is possible and sky is the only limit. Now we’re all grown up and one is married with a baby girl, the other has just become a Mrs., and yours truly is still… well. Let’s just say I still feel like a kid at heart. 🙂  Some pictures to share. 
One of my favorite shots, from Ling’s phone camera. Besties forever.
Kisses, and much love. 

Hello to Mr. And Mrs. 

Super cute couple. 🙂  Seeing them together makes me go awwwww. :)) 

Here’s another bestie with his fiancée, who will get hitched soon. 😉 Yay!

All set to give out Ang Paos to all the little ones in the family. 

First time CP met with little Marissa. 

Carrot carvings. Almost tempted to bring it home. 

Cake-cutting and champagne ceremony. 

Us. And our growing family. 😉 
The best part about having them besties is that,
we care for each other, regardless of our coordinates on the map. 
Singapore, Malaysia, Australia, wherever. 
We’ll be there for each other always and forever. 

I would have shared some more photos of the other wedding, but I forgot to backup the photos before deleting them. 🙁  Stole the photo below from a friend, heh. I looked like a haggard old maid, but whatever. The bride is beautiful as ever, and that’s all that matter. 
Wishing the two newly weds all the love in the world, and may their new chapter of life be filled with joy and adventures. xx. 

2013 At A Glance

This year I learned that my body and my mind don’t communicate with each other. One can be weaker than the other; it doesn’t matter which is weaker, either way, I suffer.
This year I know I’ve underperformed, for reasons best kept to myself. But one important take home lesson is that I should believe in myself more. I really should. It’s something I’ve struggled for a long time, but this time it hit me hard.
This year I felt there were more downs than ups for me, but maybe that’s not true. I do have many blessings too. I went to places, saw things and people that reminded me of how fortunate I am; I met and made new friends, I’m beginning to learn to be more selective with friends, keeping only the ones who are true and sincere; I was given the opportunity to do something good for others; I learned some Tagalog; I passed a tough exam; I still love and enjoy what I’m doing/learning now. 
This year my best friend gave birth to a little princess; my classmate gave birth to a prince; another one got a baby girl too. Another best friend got married. My grandmas are still around and don’t have major health issues (special thanks to big brother and Cynthia for taking care of ah mah). These are among the many things I’m grateful for. 
And yet, in some ways this year went by in a lightning speed, my memories of the year were marked by sporadic blackouts which I couldn’t recall much of what happened. 
This year is finally over. I’m thankful for all that happened, and all that did not. I’m still learning about life, still finding ways to be a better self. This coming new year will be a year about a better self, and my goal is to take it easy, and live every day like it’s the last. 
Happy new year everyone! 

Moments

Just before we plunged right into the topic on fluids and electrolytes management in children, our professor decided to share a poem with us. Of course. How else would you start a lecture in the afternoon heat if not by inspiring them with a great poem, eh?! 😛  Here’s the poem to share. Enjoy!

Moments 
by Jorge Luis Borges
If I could live again my life,
In the next – I’ll try,
– to make more mistakes,
I won’t try to be so perfect,
I’ll be more relaxed,
I’ll be more full – than I am now,
In fact, I’ll take fewer things seriously,
I’ll be less hygienic,
I’ll take more risks,
I’ll take more trips,
I’ll watch more sunsets,
I’ll climb more mountains,
I’ll swim more rivers,
I’ll go to more places – I’ve never been,
I’ll eat more ice creams and less (lime) beans,
I’ll have more real problems – and less imaginary ones,
I was one of those people who live
prudent and prolific lives –
each minute of his life,
Of course that I had moments of joy – but,
if I could go back I’ll try to have only good moments,

If you don’t know – that’s what life is made of,
Don’t lose the now!

I was one of those who never goes anywhere
without a thermometer,
without a hot-water bottle,
and without an umbrella and without a parachute,
If I could live again – I will travel light,
If I could live again – I’ll try to work bare feet
at the beginning of spring till the end of autumn,
I’ll ride more carts,
I’ll watch more sunrises and play with more children,
If I have the life to live – but now I am 85,
– and I know that I am dying …

Snuffed- Part 2

Image source: Google search on suicide. 
Looking back at the blogpost I wrote on suicide last year, maybe I was being too harsh on them. I sounded pissed off at those who committed suicide, and indeed I was. I still am, a little bit, when I think about it. But since then, I’ve learnt to see things from a different light. I tried to reason that maybe there were causes obscure to the judging eyes of the public (yes, I too am guilty of it), maybe they were mentally sick but undiagnosed and they didn’t know how to get help, or that they need to get help. It could be a million other reasons for what happened to them, and it is only fair that I don’t jump to conclusion about them so quickly, so unsparingly.  
And so I put the issue to rest and haven’t really thought about it, until last month. Few weeks ago, there was a suicide case- a 17 or 18 year-old boy from my ex-high school jumped from his apartment building due to “depression and pressure from school”, or so the media alleged. *deep sigh*  It just breaks my heart to see a budding young man who had so much to offer and yet chose to end his life just like that. I don’t know why he did what he did, I don’t think anyone will ever know, but I’d contend that ending one’s life is not a way to solve any problem at all. Sigh. If I were to be philosophical about it, I’d question what the heck happened to the society we live in these days, that caused the seemingly increasing number of people who’d rather choose to end life than to face life’s adversity. In this world of abundance, is there not a single ray of hope for them at all?! 
Alas, being philosophical and asking questions like these will not change a thing. Nor will my initial emotion of anger and contempt. Suicidal intent is a mental problem that should be taken more seriously and should be of concern to you, me and people around us. Perhaps if we all know a little more about it, maybe we could detect symptoms of those feeling depressed and are crying for help. And if we could get them help early enough, we might’ve spared a life, and many more heartaches of those around them. 
Though I realize it’s stupid to presume a depressed person would stumble upon this blog, I still want to say this: to those who are feeling depressed or have thought about suicide, please pause for a moment to think about your family, and the people who love and care about you. Know that if and when you die, you’re just dead and that’s the end of it, but it is they who have to live with the pain and the loss of someone they once loved, for the rest of their lives. Nothing can be worse than that, particularly for your parents. 
That’s all I have to rant about today lol. Peace. 

Another Year Older

Hello hello! I’m back! So much has happened since I last wrote about what’s going on in my inner world. Quotes and updates about stuff that’s going on are really just cover-ups to pretend that all is well. Not that things aren’t going on well, but there are events that were encountered that left a bilious taste in the mouth, and I’m reminded yet again that sometimes no matter how hard you try things just won’t go the way you want it, and you have to learn to pick yourself up and move on. Towards the end of the year, few things happened to make me reconsider who I really am on one occasion, and who my true friends are on another. I tend to make the mistake of trusting people too easily, caring too much about certain “friends”, and I guess it turns out that they don’t feel the same way. And so I always end up being sad for reasons that didn’t have to be. But that’s fine. This year it’s about letting go, and remember that I have a lot of people around me whom I should be thankful for. Because of them, my world is a brighter place, and it’s okay to have a few heartaches too, for I know there are always those whom I can turn to for support. Happy new year to all! May this year be full of love, happiness and pleasant surprises!
coffee and dessert with two of my fav people.
 the family. 
this is how my big brother shows his love. XD
home is the safest place on earth.
birthday gift from my oldest and bestest friend. 🙂
classmates whom i grew to love so much over the year and a half.

birthday gift from closest friend and housemate.  

good food, awesome company.

surprise gift from my secret santa and my fav fruit cake and chocs from stefie 🙂 
with my high school gang 🙂 
my powderpuffs, as always 🙂

Jack’s Lines

It’s not that I can’t fall in love. 
It’s really that I can’t help falling in love with too many things all at once. 
So, you must understand 
why I can’t distinguish between what’s platonic and what isn’t, 
because it’s all too much and not enough at the same time.
– Jack Kerouac

Souls.In Love

Souls in Love
By Hands Percussion

If our souls can be weighed, how much is given to love?
No one remains alone forever. We are bound by love.
Love is familiar. It is a part of us as we live and breathe, at every waking moment. Yet, can any of us truly grasp its meaning? Is there even a meaning to love?
Some say that modern day love is only imagery – it is passionate, it overwhelms, and is selfish.
We kill love with trivialities – who has taken too much, who has given too little. No one should stay if the love is unrequited.
Love is not always a sad tale about passions and regrets. Nor is it an unfaltering candle always burning bright.
Love is a schemer of the highest order, arousing all sorts of emotions within us at different times, and sometimes all at once. In love, we find warmth and cold, fight and desertion, joy and hatred, satisfaction and annoyance.
Some say we can measure the value of our existence by the weight of our love.
Love is never right or wrong.
We find love in the sweet whisperings of a young courting couple; and in the drone of a spinning, jaded city.
And sometimes we find love in complete silence.
Love penetrates, tussles, and scathes our hearts. Like a scar marked with its memories – it cannot be mended or erased. Like the multi-coloured shades of love, the gradient of our lives change with every encounter.
We all have tales of love of our own. Some are explicit, and others are locked away in the deep vaults of our hearts.
Love is an image. An abstract notion, yet so real.
愛・本相
靈魂的重量裏，到底有多少是給了愛？
世上的一切都不孤零，人融合於一個精神──愛。所謂「愛」，似乎人人都知曉，也被視為人之常性。但又有幾人真正明白愛的本質？
有人說我們身處在一個愛情泛濫又同時匱乏的年代。人與人之間總在計較，誰少愛了點，誰付出多一點。無論如何，沒人願意像賣火柴的小女孩，凝視著一根又一根劃亮火柴中所顯現的種種，最終只得幻象。
愛，不會只是鴛鴦蝴蝶，也不僅是閃爍著朱紅光芒的神龕。愛，含括了這個世界所有的殘酷與溫暖、所有的奮力與棄逃、所有的喜悅及悔恨、所有的燥烈及柔和……，更多的時候，是關於人們對自己存在價值的必然質疑。
Hands Percussion is one of my favorite performance group. Should check them out if you’re in KL! They are performing between August 9 and 12 at KLPAC.