Monologue

How did a whole month pass by without me noticing? No, actually.. scratch that. I did notice it passing by, it’s just at the speed of light I felt like I’m playing catch-up with my workload all the time, and I just had to sacrifice the time used to read and write. So many of the funny little things my groupmates and I did or said that I wanted to write down, but alas by the time I get home all the energy mustered up is only enough for me to do the bare minimum. How do the other people do this? Perhaps it’s about getting used to it, and I’m still at the stage of adapting to this kind of lifestyle. Weekends are the best- they’re used to recharge, and catch up on the forever-piling work that needs to be done or read. If only I could have extra hours to use. Or that I could stop time and finish all my reading before I let the time resume its ticking. Wishful thinking. Vaguely remember I wanted to comment on how the government don’t allow Chin Peng’s ashes to be returned to Malaysia. It’s old news now, but I think whoever’s against it shouldn’t hold grudges on a dead person. Whatever it is, what’s in the past is gone, why so much hatred and contempt on someone who is now only an urn of ashes? The argument about him being a prominent Communist party leader back then and that he has hurt our countrymen so badly and scarred them so much that he should be unforgivable really does not hold, especially when he is dead. Besides, if we can forgive the Japanese for coming to our country and harming us the way they did, why not this guy, who only fought for what he believed in but loved this country all the same? It’s all politics at the end of the day, and sometimes I really just wanna push everything out of my mind and not think about it. Resorting to escapism. Yes. Whatevs. Right now I have tons of reading, a presentation tomorrow that I haven’t prepared, and an exam on Tuesday that I need to get to. Adios. Till the next post! 
LOL. That’s how we all look like at the end of the day.

Happy Merdeka Day

Many people I know or just strangers I’ve spoken to talked about their discontent of this country, and expressed wishes to leave the country for a better life elsewhere. Whilst I can understand that sentiment, I think there are other options to react to the feeling of dissatisfaction and to have a better life here without having to leave the country. Instead of complaining and whining about everything that’s wrong with this country, why not do something about it? Yes there are things that we have no control over, and we can’t change everything overnight or hope to see results in a short period of time. Changes will take time, but it has to start somewhere, no? If everyone decides to leave Malaysia, then who is going to fight for her? If everyone has the same mentality, and those who have the luxury of choice to leave chose to flock away to greener pastures, then eventually, those left behind are either doing so reluctantly only because they didn’t have a choice, or because they are in power and can still benefit from the country’s resources… until when everything is milked dry, then they too will be gone. That would be a tragedy for this country, and we can expect Malaysia to cease to exist in the foreseeable future. Fortunately, there are still many who despite having a better life outside of Malaysia, chose to return to the homeland with the intention to serve the country or to contribute in whatever ways they can. It is the latter who inspired me to feel the same, and to want to do the same for my tanah air.
I write this not to criticize anyone of their choices, but to encourage conversations or open discussions regarding this. I didn’t always feel the same way (previously I was more indifferent about this); it was through conversations and being a third-party observer of such dialogues that slowly changed my mind. And so on this day, I just wanted to write a short note to urge those who are reading this to perhaps think about what Merdeka means to you, what/how Malaysia would be like if we were still under British colonization, and if we’d be better or worse off. In fact, here’s another more probing question to some, and one I’ve always asked myself- for all the good things, the love, happiness and peace that we have encountered in the years that we’ve been here, wouldn’t it be fair to ask for us to give a little something back? 
A country is only as good as its denizens want it to be (and then work towards it of course). Happy Merdeka to all. Wherever you are, stay safe! 

Untitled #2

Of late I count my days by whether it’s headache-free or headache-filled days, and lemme tell you it’s no fun at all to have the latter be the majority of them. Don’t understand why this is happening; some says it’s stress, but I really don’t feel stressed at all- truth! Yet this past week the first thing I do as soon as I woke up is to pray hard that I won’t have headache later during the day. It probably sounds like I’m whining about something petty, but if you’ve ever had tension headaches or migraine before, you’d know this kind of pain can be quite debilitating- in short it’s nothing you’d wish for on anyone (unless you really hate them lol).

Apart from the headaches though, days have been filled with interesting (sometimes bizarre) conversations. Some people have delusions that are not that out of line from what we know as social norms, and I guess it’s understandable- in most cases it’s their coping mechanism, their way of handling what they considered as brutal reality, and they needed a way to deal with it. You hear views about life, about religions, about universality of all religions, about love, about ‘the other world’ etc.  Some of the things they said were quite mind-boggling, whilst some made me think (when I don’t have headaches that impair my cognitive function, that is). Psychiatry is so much more about life and the real world out there for different kinds of people, most of them not the average people we surround ourselves with; it’s becoming more interesting and less intimidating as the day goes by- it really just depends on how you choose to see things. Our professor told us, before we went out to the wards, “whatever it is, just take it easy,” and I think that’s the most apt advice to give. 
Today there’s this guy who wasn’t his usual self as the past few days. He made an analogy about him being a meek lion. “but just because I’m meek doesn’t mean I’m weak,” and he claims to be an empathic and simple person, but when pushed to a corner, “I’ll ROARRRR!” And he also made a comment that’s worth reflecting upon- “who do you think you are to want to help me? how can you help me? tell me, how are you helping me right now???” Indeed. Sometimes we doctors think we know better, and we prescribe meds intending to “help” them, but is that necessarily the best thing for the patient? Do we really know better than them about themselves and what they need? Do we? I have no answer to that, but I think that’s a fair point that he made, and it’s worth spending some time thinking bout it. Just a food for thought I guess. 

Ruminating Psyche

That’s what I’ll be doing for the next few weeks.

No, not really. Not so much of rumination, I don’t think, but a lot of other stuff. I was told we’ll be seeing patients with all sorts of psychiatric problems- it’ll be interesting! Can’t wait, even though a part of me is nervous about starting my first rotation in psychiatry. Psych, of all rotations! They say it can be mentally draining, and I’m sure they’re right. But this is what we’ve all been waiting for- to learn at the bedside, to speak with patients, to try to understand them and their diseases, and to talk to them hoping that our words may provide some sort of comfort. Now that it’s happening, I really don’t care which rotation I’m starting with.

Tomorrow we will begin our day with ward rounds with the care team. The hospital I used to visit with my grandmother when I was a small girl seemed to have changed so much. I don’t remember much of it, but the fragments that I do remember, I can’t find them there anymore, except for the distinct smell of a hospital. In a way, it’s not a bad thing to have little to no memory about the place, because then I can build new ones without having anything else shadowing it. This will be my new ‘home’ for the next year, and we’ll see how it goes.

Updates on TTW

So! As I mentioned in the last post, we’re having our Transition to Wards course right now, and we’re almost at the end of our second week. Last week we focused on Basic Life Support, learning CPR, EKG interpretation, and how to handle emergencies / acute care in a hospital setting. There were many sessions of acute care simulation; each scenario is different from the others, each one has many learning points. There is the communication component of it, and then the clinical acumen part of it. So much to learn, absorb and internalize, I can’t help but feel overwhelmed. It’s easy to allow all this to intimidate self, but I know, too, that the point of all this is not to scare us but to give us an idea of how it’ll be like in the wards and what we’re about to face. The goal is to equip us with a set of basic skills and a sense of the real setting so we don’t feel like we’re being thrown into the lion’s cage without any warning. In this sense I feel the TTW course has accomplished its goal. This week the focus was on medico-legal information and bioethics, the latter being one of my interested areas. End of life care, informed consent, truth telling, confidentiality etc. All of this is just so… messy. There’s no clear-cut answer to all situations, and every situation is different. Some people don’t like it, but it’s precisely why it’s so interesting to me. This is the humanity part of medicine, and it’s one of the main reasons why I’m doing this. I just hope I don’t get all jaded by the end of housemanship…

Some photos taken during phlebotomy and scrubbing sessions. Was too immersed on practicing instrument tie and two-handed knot I forgot to snap shots of my ugly sutures. Next time maybe. 🙂

Jules our awesome professor for this TTW.

Pokey pokey.

Ok my try. 

Sterile hands kept in front and nowhere else

Flexing muscles haha

🙂

Girl Is Back!

Ahhh freedom! I can almost taste it. Feels good to be back here. 🙂  It’s been a long hard month since I last blogged. To those who wondered, yes exam is finally over. Don’t ask me how I did though. Lots of post-exam emotions and thoughts that are best left alone and untouched for fear of it inundating me once again (it already did- right after the exam, but I managed to calm self down after long chats with friends and family). In truth, there’s nothing I can do about it now except to enjoy my time with family and friends before school resumes on Monday. I know I’ve already given my best on that day; that should be enough for now.

Moving on… next week we’ll be having a 3-week long of Transition to Wards sessions, learning the basics like BLS, surgical skills, medico-legal stuff, phlebotomy, nursing skills, EKG interpretation, ethics, professional dilemmas, acute care, etc.  So much to learn! It’s going to be exciting (and scary!), for we’re one step closer to our clinical rotations. Speaking of which- starting Monday we’ll be in our Year 3! Wow. I just barely recovered from Y2’s exam stress and anxiety, and now we’re getting ready to charge into the ‘real stuff’! Talk about time waiting for no one! (Hahaha right after writing that I just realized it’s direct translation from 岁月不留人! lol).

Anyway. That’s it for this update. I have one more day before school starts. Gonna do as much as possible before then. In this instance it means sacrificing beauty sleep for Man of Steel so the movie better be great. Righto peeps. Off I go for supper and movie. Later.

xoxo.

People I missed the most during our study break.
Glad I’ll be seeing them soon. :)))

Two-Bit Thoughts and A Video to Share

Tonight my people congregated at the stadium to make their voices heard. All we want, is a cleaner fairer election. All we want, is for them to not treat us like damn fools, not use that racist slur to divide the people. A little respect from them would be nice. Tonight my heart swells with pride, because their dirty tricks didn’t work on many of us, and I still see hope for my country, despite everything. Democracy doesn’t happen overnight, it’s a long and hard fight, but at least we’re not alone. 
Photos taken by my friend who was there tonight.

We used to joke that whenever/wherever there’s free stuff, you can expect high turnout because we Malaysians love free stuff (who doesn’t?!). But tonight there was no goodie bag, no free food nothing free whatsoever, only the People Power. Tonight we were one. 
On a completely different/random note, I stumbled upon this video that’s just pure awesomeness- Lip Sync-Off between Jimmy Fallon and John Krasinski. Take a few minutes off and watch this. It’ll put a smile on your face. 🙂  

Some Things Never Change

Vote for me, he says
If you don’t, the country will go to the wrong people
There’ll be hudud law
You won’t have the freedom you enjoy now
Economy will decline
Everything will go wrong
If you don’t vote for me
Vote wisely
Vote for Malaysia

And I sit here, wondering
When is he going to tell me
What will happen if I vote for him

Afternoon Rain and Thunder

Have you heard?

The horrifying roar
The patronizing drumrolls
The prelude to the symphony
Warning us of its arrival
Telling us to run
Telling us to hide
Run
Run away from the consequences
Of our actions we 
Commit daily
Unknowingly, or knowingly
Consuming, thrashing, forgetting
Repeat routine the next day

Yes, tell ourselves
It’s not us, it’s certainly not ‘me’
Prolonged winter in New York
Floods in Midwest US and in Malaysia
Earthquakes, hurricanes, and what-have-you’s
Surely you must be mistaken
To think it’s related to civilization

But could it be
That it’s really us
Should we give up some of our luxuries
Maybe we should
Carpool, take a train, recycle, buy less
But dear God it’s so hard
Can I just do it tomorrow?

And so the morrow turns into
Weeks, months, years
Plastic consumption is still sky high
Oil and gas still fueling our economy
Yes, nothing seems to have changed
But outside the sky is in a fury
It’s coming for us, you and I we both know it

Hello Monday Morning

Hello world! Another Monday, another start of the week. There’s a small bakery behind VIVA on Jln Ipoh, a few doors down Chapati (not sure of the spelling), that serves really good coffee. Apparently they have good breads too but I didn’t try. Check it out if you’re around the area. A few points deducted because they serve in paper cups even if you’re having it there, but coffee is still good. Good day everyone!

p.s. if you don’t know where VIVA is, it’s near KLPAC, but on the opposite side of the road.

No Man is an Island, But Me

No Man is an Island

No man is an island entire of itself; every man 
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe 
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as 
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine 
own were; any man’s death diminishes me, 
because I am involved in mankind. 
And therefore never send to know for whom 
 the bell tolls; it tolls for thee. 

MEDITATION XVII 
Devotions upon Emergent Occasions 
John Donne 
somehow right now
to a part of any main, i do not feel i belong 
perchance mr. donne is wrong
no man is an island, but me
exams do crazy things to thee
guess what, it’s time for maggi mee
#bored  #tryingtobefunny  #fiveminutesbreakawayfrombooks  #ineedmorecoffee