Found this note deep in the Draft section. Didn’t post it then because the pain was still raw. And so I kept it contained. I’m good at that, hiding emotions so people can’t see, can’t tell. All is well- on the outside. Nobody knows what goes on beneath the smiles. But years have passed, and it’s long enough that I feel like I can share now. So here it is. — Every beep and blip means different things in the ICU. There’s the cardiac monitoring alarm that goes off when oxygen level drops; the tone gets lower and lower, it’s…
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The days are long, but the years are short. I was just here three years ago; thought I was going to be around for a few more years, yet life has other plans for me. In less than a month, I’ll be moving on to a different city, for a different job. Honestly didn’t expect to be leaving this place so soon. A part of me feels a little wistful; another part of me needs to get out to save myself. I’ve tried to talk myself out of it, telling myself that I need to stick to what I initially…
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Sometimes life has a way of surprising you, throwing you rotten lemons at the speed of light, that you don’t even realize you got hit. This one hit me hard. For a while, the pain was so intense I almost lost sight of the big picture. I thought about whether to write about it here, but decided now is not the time to share. Perhaps one day, when the pain and trauma has subsided enough for me to talk and joke about it, I will write more. What is the big picture, though? We, mere humans, Homo sapiens, this insignificant…
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It’s been more than year since I last wrote anything here. If this was a room, it’d be full of dust and cobweb right now. An abandoned space. Makes me a little sad when I think about all the lost time that I could’ve shared something with you. Whoever ‘you’ are. How did everyone else live their last year and a half? I’ve been thinking a lot, doing a lot of growing. My cactus has grown big enough to be cut off into a few segments and transplanted into other pots. For a while they looked like they weren’t going…
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One of the toughest rotations during my residency was the month of oncology rotation at another hospital. Albeit the long hours and exhaustion, I learned so much, not just the medical knowledge, but also about patients, the human aspect of things, of life, and death. Many of those stories – and people – stayed with me, even after all these years. But there was one that I remembered today, and wanted to share. It was one of those busy days with a few pending admissions, sick patients in the ward requiring attention, family wanting updates, and me trying to finish…
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You don’t realize how time swooshed by until you look back, weeks or months later. In this case, about a year and a few months later. Where did time go? As we’ve all learned during this pandemic, time felt as stagnant as the murky water in the back alley, but also as if we time-traveled into the future with only a few wrinkles, lots of gray hair, and a muffin top to remind us of the lost time. Last year I completed chief residency, moved from Maryland to Maine, survived my first winter in the cold frigid Maine, and learned…
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Poem by Samuel Blake When someone is about to leave, stop;look at their face and say goodbye: smile;and know, that in that smile and lookyou receive in return, may be a lastlook and smile: a veritable photographin the mind that will memorialize themoment, and permit a lifetime’s reflection.Perhaps you will be hurried to catch a plane,in a terminal filled with strangers. Or more trivial: they may leave for groceries:stop, look at his or her face and smile, before they walk out the door; as that,if they fail to return, you will have something left. When a child or parent or…
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This space that has once given me solace, suddenly feels so foreign. It’s been too long since I wrote here. As the year comes to an end, I thought I’d drop by. (Even my choice of words reflect that- I’m ‘dropping by’ to this virtual space that once felt like home to me. Leave a place long enough, and it stops feeling like home… at least initially.) Anyway, I found a number of drafts that were never seen to completion. They were mostly stories about work, emotions that ICU patients and incidences stirred up. Stories of dissatisfaction and disappointment. Angst,…
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It’s true what they say- the days are long but the years are short. I vaguely remember posting about the start of residency, promising myself I will write more (but I never did), and now, three years later, I’m done with residency! Where did time go?! It’s a strange year to be in medical training, and to graduate in. The pandemic, and more recently a string of unfortunate events that led to the resurgence of BLM movement, have impacted every aspect of our lives. Our graduation ceremony was held via Zoom, which was weird in some ways, but fun in…
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2020 has been a roller-coaster so far. I remember back in January, when a group of us were sitting around enjoying our scrumptious meal, we briefly discussed the Covid situation in Wuhan. How terrible it must have been to be on a lockdown and not get to celebrate Chinese New Year with family and friends. We lamented and pitied, as if it were a tragedy happening to other people; as if we would never have to worry about the same affliction affecting us. How wrong were we! Who would have thought? In hindsight, we should’ve known better, seeing that we…
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Hello. I’m back. Long hiatus. A friend said I shouldn’t ever promise to write sooner, because I never do, and it would just seem like yet another broken promise. Which is bad form. So, no more. I shall write whenever I fancy. I had a mini panic attack the other day knowing that I’m running out of Marmite soon. Thankfully that problem was solved by my bestie who visited the UK, procured them, and mailed two jars to me. Trust your bestie to know what you want and need most. For those who don’t know what Marmite is, it’s a…
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I lied. I said I’ll write more, but so many things happened since my last post, and I couldn’t muster enough energy to put my thoughts and emotions into words. Or maybe I just didn’t want to. Words elude me when sadness overwhelms, and all I want to do is just to run and hide. I dreamed of a 20-foot Sandman who was chasing me everywhere. No matter how far I run, he’d still get to me. Friends and family tried to protect me by allowing me to build secret passageways underneath their living quarters, and eventually I managed to…